I’m afraid my sons won’t remember me as a good mom. Or a happy mom. Their sharp memories, the kind that stick around through therapy into adulthood, are being cemented now. They’ll remember me as a stressed out yeller. My fuse is commensurate to my height…short. I am admittedly someone who lacks patience and sets standards impossibly high. I set up myself for disappointment, and I fail myself more than others fail me. It’s a serious character flaw. I find that it’s worsened in the last few years. Maybe I could blame the 2016 election. Truth be told, it is partially at fault. The ways of the world have definitely darkened my outlook .
I’m afraid my sons will remember me as a strict, moody, nagging, perimenopausal mom. I don’t exhibit joy as readily as I used to. It’s not that I don’t feel joy, I just don’t express it as I should. I’m kinda breaking my own heart here as I see this confession in print.
I’m afraid my sons won’t remember me as a fun mom. Will they harken back to the days we painted rocks, made leprechaun traps, and used tennis rackets as guitars to sing along to Laurie Berkner and Pat Benatar? Will they hear Don’t Stop Believing and think about dancing on chairs for our very own Dance Party USA? Will they one day decorate cookies with their own children and remember that we too had our fun with frosting and sprinkles? We spent so much of our time back in the day exploring nature, taking listening walks, collecting leaves, splashing in creeks. We had an adventure a day and spent our time nurturing our creativity. Those halcyon days were not without their challenges, of course. But we had more fun together than we do now, and I blame myself for that. I don’t let my best self shine and I wallow in the tarnish.
Perhaps it’s the nature of things since Bird and Deal are no longer my little boys. Our interests have changed, and time is a luxury. No one is portable in a baby carrier or stroller, and no one holds my hand to clear a step or cross the street. In fact, my oldest son just got his driver’s permit so he’s the one toting me around now. I’m not in charge as I used to be, which is exactly as it should be. Our role as parents is to teach our children to be independent and thrive without being tethered to our apron strings.
What we also want is for them to be tethered to our heartstrings, and unless I lighten up, I’m afraid that won’t happen.
Oh sweet friend, you are a force to be reckoned with! You are filled with life and verve, passion and fury … those boys will hold you up so high that finding wives to fulfill their expectations will take eons. And those wives when they do make good decisions and find those worthy of them … well, they will be so grateful for the life lessons and guidance you gave those men. LOVE you forever xxx
You will learn and realize that fun comes in many forms and fashion. You are still a fun and great mom. You will have many more opportunities to make great, lasting memories with your boys that will just add to their treasure trove of memories!