Deal seems to lose things. His version of cleaning up and putting things away is shoving whatever it is that needs a home into a closet or drawer and using brute force to shut it. It’s not uncommon to walk into his room and see bulging drawers with a jumble of jeans hanging out. We also know to open his closet or the playroom closet in one quick flash move while stepping back. I’ve had one too many Matchbox cars crash onto my big toe. Let me tell you, that shit hurts.
As I was tidying up Deal’s closet whilst looking for his long sleeve Green Bay Packers shirt (that he just wore yesterday and claims he can’t find now for me to wash so he can wear it to school), I happened upon a few baby items. If you’ve been reading Dirt & Noise for a while, you know that I am prone to blathering and blubbering about my boys growing up. Well, today while I fondled the soft fleece baby blankets and admired the fine crochet handiwork of my friends, I started thinking about all the lovely baby gifts our friends showered upon us. We are a fortunate lot, with friends and family who have the home run blend of generosity and good taste.
And then I remembered the trash bag.
When Bird was born and just home from the hospital for a few days, we found a big black Hefty garbage bag knotted up on our front stoop with a white Avery label stuck on the side. It had “Daddy, Mac” printed on it. No note. No identifying marks. You can imagine the head scratching going on at the time. We were leery of opening the bag. What could be inside? Explosives? Garbage? Leftovers? Once we opened the bag, we knew just who sent it. Mac Daddy worked for a company that shall go unnamed. They had delivered an oh so classy baby gift to mark the birth of Bird, our firstborn, our son.
We carefully ripped open the bag, not knowing what to expect. We gingerly took turns peering inside. Mac Daddy, being the consummate gentleman, peeked first, lest something creepy and strange squirted out. He grimaced and grinned while I took a look. I popped my head out of the bag, looked at Mac Daddy, and we rolled on the floor laughing and cursing his company at the same time. Mac Daddy’s employer had sent us a whole mess of baby products and toys. Emphasis on mess.
Inside that ever so appropriate gift wrap were expired baby products. Expired!
Formula (a brand I had never heard of)
Shampoo
Bubble bath
Lotion
Jars of baby food
Toddler crackers
Fever reducer
Mylicon
Diaper cream
All expired! And not just by a month…some of that stuff was dusty and had an expiration date marked ages ago.
On top of the wholesome goodies, they tucked in some stretchy lounge pants for me in a tropical melange of blues and purples (cotton/poly blend, two sizes too big…perhaps they were considerately accounting for baby weight) and toys that are hazardous for children under age 5. Weird fuzzy stuffed creatures with googly button eyes and plastic balls that reeked of petroleum. There was one soft teddy bear that could possibly be salvaged, but it was powder blue. Blue! I am a firm believer that teddy bears and carnations should not be blue. Tacky. Tacky. Tacky.
The company that shall go unnamed has no sense of humor so we knew this wasn’t a joke. It was a matter of, “Oh crap, Mac Daddy and his wife just had a baby and we gotta get them something quick (and on the cheap)!” How does one even write a thank you note for that? I think we went with the generic thank-you-for-thinking-of-us variety. We have gotten years of laughter and mileage out of that story. Thinking of it makes me less weepy, which is better for everyone.
And the best thing about that um, baby gift? Well, it was wrapped in a garbage bag, making it a cinch to throw out!
So tell me, what’s the worst baby gift you ever got?
You gotta be kidding. Where the hell did they get a buncha expired baby crap? Freakin’ weird.
I guess we didn’t get any bad baby gifts, but the best baby gift I ever got was a stack of 20 washcloths. I was baffled by them at first, but damn if we didn’t use them into rags. Speaking of *dirt* and noise…!
I don’t think anyone could top that story. That is too funny.
I know someone who got a wrapped baby book and when they opened it, the person who gave it them had already printed info about their own child and had their child’s photos in it. I guess they forgot that they had used it when they went to re-gift it.lol
The worst part is that the lady felt the need to give back the baby photos in case the re-gifter needed them:)
OMG – we weren’t the only ones! We got a similar gift from Hubs’ company except they were kind enough to put them in a gift bag. We didn’t get any expired products but the bag contained a mish-mash of items that looked like they came from someone’s storage boxes! We got a polyester sleeper which did not feel comfy/soft and which is probably not up to code and random baby toys, teethers and soothers not in any packaging. Yeah, like I’m gonna let my baby suck on a soother that may-or-may-not have been previously used! We saved the gift bag but the rest went “buh-bye”.
Wow! A big tacky! It sounds like someone cleaned their closet! I hope they treat their employees better than their gifts.
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