5:00 Fridays – Kelly’s Cukes

Cucumis sativus

Concombre

Cetriolo

Gurke

I learned something today. Who knew the Bible had so many quotes about cucumbers? OK, maybe only two, but that’s two more mentions of the cuke than I thought would be in the Bible.

Dr. Samuel Johnson once said back in 1785, “A cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing. ” Clearly the good doctor didn’t have lime, mint, and gin on hand.

My friend Kelly is a green thumb novice like me. We’ve both been hobby gardeners and pretty much just want the goods without all the weeding and skeeter bites. I suppose it’s akin to just wanting the paycheck without doing the work. Let me put it to you this way – when I went out to the water the other day, I came back inside with 35 mosquito bites. 3-freaking-5. The next time I went out to water I got 15 bites. The four on my arm look so horrendous that onlookers might think I’ve been whipped with a mallet made of sweet gum pods. I do enjoy the act and fruits of gardening but truth be told, I’d like it to be a whole lot easier. I’m really no good at communing with Nature. Also, I don’t have the right shoes for it.

Well, my pal Kelly has lots of lovely plants but apparently few crops. There must be some quota about fertilization in her zip code. You see, she’s pregnant and very well might have tilted the pollination scales to prevent any of her garden seeds from, well, doing whatever it is seeds do. The Birds and the Bees 101, baby. It turns out, however, that Kelly has a boatload of cucumbers. I could write a Bubba Gump Shrimp-esque tome on ways to enjoy all those cukes, but my first reaction was cocktail inspired. Yeah, I realize Kelly is preggers and can’t indulge, but come September, she’ll knock one back (um, or maybe next summer). In the mean time, she’ll get rid of her cuke crop and serve up some refreshing libations to her guests and baby shower well wishers.

And for the record, it just so happens that my cucumbers did nothing this year. Nada. Zilch. Weeds. I guess there’s a fertilization quota in my zip code too. But I’m not pregnant.

Kelly’s Cukes

2 ounces of Hendricks gin

1 cucumber, cut into chunks and frozen

1 handful of mint

lime

club soda

It’s been hotter than Hades bumping and grinding with Aphrodite wearing a school girl pinafore and nothing else. This drink is a sure fire way to cool off your nervous system.

Muddle the mint and juice from one lime. Add Hendricks gin and ice and shake yer groove thang yeah yeah. Strain and pour into a collins glass filled with ice (I’m partial to these nifty ice molds we got for Mac Daddy for Father’s Day.). Add a splash of club soda. Drop in a few frozen cucumber cubes as garnish and additional libation freon (of the non toxic variety).

I’ll be lounging in my favorite comfy chair with Tom Wolfe in one hand and Kelly’s Cukes in the other. That sounds a whole lot nastier than I mean. Chewing on the cucumber cubes will be far more refined than crunching ice, no? Cheers to cultivating your garden and to the inner Candide in all of us.