When the boys were little and spewing things from all ends, I was a tired, wired mess. Both Bird and Deal were in diapers for a short overlapping time. There were two naps and two bed times. Messes were made at every turn, and NO was word of the day every single day. My friend Molly has kids a little older than mine. She would assure me that the days would get easier in many ways. She told me the physical demands of parenting babies and toddlers would make way for the mental and emotional demands of parenting older children. I half listened and went about wiping spit up and ungluing wet Cheerios from the kitchen table. Molly took a child off my hip and told me about the new struggles she faced parenting older kids. I had no concept of her paradigm until a recent conversation with Deal.
Nothing Molly told me could have prepared me for this.
Deal and I were home alone one afternoon after school. We were splayed out on the floor playing with Legos. He was busy building some complex warship or some such thing from his imagination and I was his brick seeker. These are the times we have our best conversations. Well, these are the times we have our funniest conversations. This day’s chatter was anything but funny.
Deal: “Mommy, is c*nt a bad word?” he asked in his ever so sweet eight year old voice.
Me: Bricks clenched between my palms, leaving indentations in my hands for days.
Deal: “Mommy, well is it?”
Me: “Yes. Yes it is. It is a very bad word.” Said in my very best poker face of a voice. Deep down I was shitting, well, bricks, you might say.
Deal: “Worse than the F-word?”
Me: “Yes.”
Deal: “Worse than the N-word?“
Me: “Equally bad. In a different way. It’s just a bad word. A very rude word. Don’t say it.”
Deal: “What does it mean?”
Me: “You’re not quite mature or old enough to understand. It’s not even an approproate word for grown ups to use. I’m not sure I know how to talk to you about this.”
Deal: “Does Daddy know this word?”
Me: “Um, yes.”
Deal: “Does Bird know this word?”
Me: “Geez, I hope not.”
Deal: “Well, <insert classmate’s name here> said it at recess. He told it to a bunch of people.”
Me: Heart in my throat. Knot in my stomach. Stinging pains in my hands from those damn Legos. “Well, I’m going to tell you that the word is extremely rude and you could be in BIG trouble if you ever use that word. Do you understand?”
Deal: “Yes. But can I tell Daddy I heard it?”
Boy was I ill-prepared for this. I didn’t know the c-word until I was in college! If I could have phoned a friend at the moment to walk me through this, I sure as hell would have called Molly.
Oh man. I don’t think I learned that word until at least high school!
Haha. Sounds like you handled it very well! 🙂
You handled yourself marvelously. I would’ve been shitting bricks, too. The words kids use nowadays at an earlier age are scary.
The other Molly in your life, just like me, probably would have told you those conversations are the ones that hurt the most. When your child’s innocence is tated by ignorance you not only can’t control nor can you anticipate. The child who is overexposed by no fault of their own. The parents who choose to share graphic details from the latest horror in the media that you did not. There is no better answer for those conversations than the ones you gave and the awareness that its even more important to be available to hang out and play legos than ever before. Because that’s when they’ll take time to tell you.
Ilina – One of my dear friends in college wrote a powerful piece “reclaiming” the word c*nt. Not that I would recommend diving into that with a child… ha 🙂
We DO however talk about words that, at their core, disrespect people’s personhood. And c*nt – without knowing the true meaning or intent – is always used to denigrate a person’s personhood. I try not to talk about “getting in trouble” for using words – but we do talk ALL THE TIME about the incredible power of our words to build people up and to tear them down.
I love that you explained that he simply wasn’t old enough to understand. In most cases I over-explain to my kids – but sometimes reminding them that they are kids is okay too 🙂 Good job, Mama!
I could oh-so clearly hear your voice and feel the lego-impressions in your plams as I read that! Good job… you may have to be my Molly very soon! New words are making their way through our front door all the time. Sigh!