Being brown means always being somewhat uncomfortable in America.
Many, if not most, of y’all need to settle into your discomfort for a while. Pretend it’s the aptly named La-Z-boy and trick yourself into nestling in, knees tucked under, cup of tea in hand. You might as well sit comfortably as you settle in to discomfort. And listen, I’ll be joining you, even though I’m talking in second person. I’ve got loads of discomfort ahead too.
But still, the majority of the work has to come from those who created systems of oppression and continue to benefit from them.
No real change is coming if we keep focusing on maintaining the comfort of the majority. Decisions that happen in meetings, in the boardroom, at dinner parties, and on golf courses are made by those who benefit most from systems of oppression, namely white supremacy and the patriarchy. If you are letting your comfort and your own personal gain take precedence over doing what’s right, you are one hundred percent part of the problem. Complacence abounds.
There’s a misperception that only egregiously hateful behavior counts as acts of racism. In fact, the opposite is true. It is the insidious, ongoing, subtle things that create a quilt of hostility in the workplace, in neighborhoods, at PTA meetings, pretty much every single place people gather. Microaggressions are rampant. Listen keenly, and you too will hear them. These are the things that might make you shift awkwardly in your seat, the things that make you start jotting notes so you don’t make eye contact in a meeting. Microaggressions are part of a code language often veiled in compliments and excused with supposed good intent.
Here’s a small sampling of what I have heard (from people I know) in just the last six months:
- You speak very good English.
- Where did you go to college because your English is so good?
- Do you know [insert name of a random Indian person] here?
- Your parents must have been doctors or professors because you sound very educated.
- How did you get into your line of business? I thought most of you were in medicine or science.
- There’s no easy way to make a nickname for Ilina.
- Your name is too hard. I bet you’re happy you married an American so your last name is easy.
- You sound white.
- Did you work hard to lose your accent?
It cannot only be the marginalized who keep speaking up when microaggressions are tossed into conversations. We have to hear from those who sit in seats of power, those who are not directly harmed. That means you, white men and women. I know you see bad behavior. I see you bristle when a peer pipes in with “All lives matter” or some racist or sexist trope. I see you sit in compliant silence, fidgeting under the conference room table. How easy it must be to navigate the world if you’ve never been marginalized. We know that you know you bend to power, and it is a sorry display to see you not use it for anything other than what boosts your own self. Don’t think it all goes unnoticed. My hope for you is that you’ll settle into this discomfort and soon embrace the power your voice gives you.
I promise this power will be a serendipitous byproduct of all this work. (Funny how we call being actively anti-racist “work” when it’s really just grace. Living in a racist society…now that’s work.) Sitting in discomfort isn’t a terrible place to be. People who look like me sit in discomfort all day long, it’s just the other side of the coin from the discomfort you’ll be experiencing if you’re really here to learn and shift your behavior. No pain, no gain ain’t just about the gym.
Make room for new voices at the decision-making table. Listen to learn, not to retort. There is no need to debate someone else’s lived experiences. We all have work to do. We all have things to learn. We all have a voice to use. Some voices are louder than others and some are listened to more than others. It’s often the ones we should listen to that are shushed. But one thing is certain, your silence is violence.