Last night on Twitter a dad blogger tweeted something pretty heinous about rape that ignited a fire storm. He basically said that another way to describe rape is women crying wolf when they wake up feeling remorse. He has subsequently deleted that tweet and apologized (screen shots last forever though). But the apology leaves a lot to be desired as he fancies himself the victim. He cites cases like Duke and UVA, my alma mater, blatantly misreported in Rolling Stone magazine. He calls out those fraternity boys as victims in all this and uses a couple examples as evidence of this being a greater issue than what rape victims experience. Sure, those boys were victims in their own right, vilified for something they didn’t do, but that sort of victimization is not endemic in our society. I can tell you from my own experience with some brushes with UVA alumni after the story hit that misogyny is alive and well.
The real issue is the shaming of women and making them feel insecure or threatened about reporting their rape. Some fraternity boys fell in the wake of this long overdue national discussion, but the heaviest weight lies squarely on the shoulders of women. Victim shaming makes their stories much more difficult to tell. Undoubtedly there are far more unreported or ignored cases of rape than there are of women crying wolf. Spend some time on Violence UnSilenced and read for yourself what women have experienced.
This dad blogger cites how his wife and sons saw the name calling online last night. But mind you, he is not the victim. A true father, husband, man, and indeed human would have acknowledged his poor judgement and misogyny, realizing that his mindset is indeed what makes it difficult for women to speak out. The college cases he cited are exactly what makes it so difficult for women to be taken seriously. They continue to be the real victims here.
I am the mother of sons. I don’t believe the onus is on women to protect themselves. The onus is on boys and men to not rape. The onus is on parents of boys to teach this. Period. This is incontrovertible. I only half-jokingly say my goal is to raise my sons to not be assholes. Should they ever utter the words this dad uttered last night, I will have failed.
My husband, a spit shine example of a kind, decent, respectable father, husband, man, and human, would never utter such words. He would say that this dad blogger does not represent fathers or men. Today I’m toasting the men who stood up for women last night and continue to do so. I applaud the dads online I know who spoke up and out. I applaud my sisters online who did not succumb to bullying or name calling to make their points. Let’s wash out the unsavory taste in our mouths left by such appalling misogyny and instead toast the men and women who join forces to stop victim shaming and the perpetuation of rape culture.
Stand Up to Misogyny
Juice of 3 blood oranges
2 ounces citrus vodka
splash cream soda
Pour juice into rocks glass over ice. Add vodka and cream soda. Stir, sip, sigh.