It’s easy to get mired in the negative. It’s hard to not collapse under the weight of the world sometimes. There is bad news all around us, and yet another heated political season doesn’t help. What I’ve learned is that Stupidity + Hatred = A Toxic, Terrifying Combination. There’s venomous vitriol all over the web, and just one look at troll comments on an article about trying to eradicate childhood hunger is enough to make me chase after Alice into the rabbit hole.
Sometimes it’s easier to hide.
Sadness lurks as we think about two little boys who will grow up without the arms of their mommy wrapped around them. Sadness still looms for two little girls who lost their daddy and will remember him through their mommy’s poignant words. Sadness is making my heart heavy and my sleep meager. Sadness’ veil has enshrouded me, and I am having a difficult time finding joy. Sadness is a weight that compromises my posture and wrecks my outlook, not to mention my complexion. Sadness is making me forget to choose happiness.
The reality is that I have an abundance of joy. I have health and happiness and a home. I feel guilty about it sometimes, which leads me swirling down that rabbit hole. I have much to value and welcome but jarring reminders that jolt me into realizing what I do indeed take for granted. It’s difficult to admit the small stuff turns me into Mommy Dearest. But I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that. I yell and lose my patience and whine about crap. I get lost in the heated battle of parenting sometimes and forget to take note of what a treasure I have. I am trying really hard to be more mindful of that. I do need reminders, and I can’t beat myself up for getting lost in life’s tangles. Being a mother might equate to being a super hero, but I’m still human. I can’t be my own worst critic when I need to be my own champion. I can’t let sadness take away my joy.
I won’t.
Today, I leisurely walked my sweet Lark on a 70 degree day in late January. The fog gave way to sun, and the smell of spring was teasing my senses. Mother Nature has uncanny timing. Today I wove my sadness into a tight little tuft to tuck away and let simple joy filter into my soul. I walked a little straighter and felt present as the sun beamed onto my bare arms. I pet my pup, and he exhaled a contented sigh, looking up at me with those Hersheys Kiss eyes.
Today I found peace.
Today I found joy hiding in unexpected places.
Today I stopped to breathe.
Today I count my many blessings and hunger to hold them close.
We all get to that place sometimes. When I’m in bed and thoughts are spiraling, I try to remind myself of the song from White Christmas with the line…’when you’re worried and you can’t sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep, and you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings.’ My mother used to remind me of that when I was stressing in college and it still comforts me.